The Essence of Lola

One month ago today I had to say goodbye to my beautiful Lola. It's still unfathomable to me that Lola The Rescued Cat is gone. Her larger-than-life personality and joie de vivre, rivaling any human's, should have given her 20 lives. Or at least more time than only 13 1/2 years on this earthly plane. 

Having a bond as deep and close as the one I shared with her made the decision to let her go infinitely harder because I felt like a piece of me was leaving with her.  For a while I knew we were living on borrowed, limited time. I also knew that I would miss her deeply when the time came, but I didn’t realize how deep the grief would be.

The night that Lola made her journey is somewhat of a blur. But I do remember the pain, loneliness, and bottomless feeling of emptiness. I felt empty because I couldn’t “feel” her. I wondered, “After 13 years (to the day) of sharing an incredible bond, how is it possible I can't feel her?”

"Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything."   C.S. Lewis

I slept in the clothes I was wearing on the last day I held her and the last time she laid on me; the clothes I wore when she made her transition. I could barely bring myself to take them off the next day. I felt those clothes contained the last of her energy, her spirit, her essence. I felt taking them off would mean I would be losing the love we shared and that our bond would be broken forever. And that I would never be able to feel her again no matter how hard I tried.

"As anyone knows who has lost an animal companion, the immediacy of the loss blows through you as if you were an abandoned farmhouse." Jackson Galaxy

As I placed my clothes that contained the last of Lola’s scent and fur into the hamper, I cried. Then suddenly, something I read on Futurism.com came to mind and a small sense of comfort came over me. (No doubt Lola's intervention.)

"Naps will never be the same." Ricky Gervais

When Lola came home forever in 2011 she was still very ill. The beginning of our bond started when I nursed her back to health and it continued to grow and strengthen over the years. Lola was my constant companion, my shadow, and was never far from me. There was rarely a night she was not in my bed or a morning when I didn’t wake up with her on top of me. She made sure that when I was under the weather she took over the role of nurse and rarely left my side.

Lola changed my life. Not only was she one of my greatest teachers, but she also got me involved in a wonderful cat community on Facebook, followed by joining the blogging community. I met one of my best friends through Lola, and we’ll be friends for life.

I hope she knows that one of her biggest accomplishments was turning me into a writer. Writing was something I never pondered. I didn’t even know that people had Facebook pages or blogs for their cats. She sparked a light in me that started in January 2011 and never stopped. We went on to write and publish her story, start a blog that has had a big focus on rescue, win numerous awards, and grow our Facebook community to over 12,000 followers. That’s all because of you, Lola, and the inspiration you gave me.

The information I read on Futurism.com was this: 

"Our energy is redistributed after we die...Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It simply changes states...In death, the collection of atoms of which you are composed (a universe within the universe) is repurposed. Those atoms and that energy, which originated during the Big Bang, will always be around. Therefore, your "light", the essence of your energy, will continue to echo throughout space until the end of time."

This uplifts me because it means Lola’s energy doesn’t live in the clothes I wore the last time I held her, or in her cat tree and little squishy pillow that now remain empty (and evoke sadness every time I look at them.)

It reminds me that her essence is in the sunbeams that warm Lexy’s fur as she naps in the window.

She lives in the ripples of water in the harbor that flows behind my building. She is the breeze that brushes my face, the faint rustling of the leaves in the trees, the snowflakes that fall gently to the earth, the twinkling stars in the sky, and the moonlight that bathes my balcony in a soft glow when I sit there at night. 

Lola's essence is in the sunlight that glistens like diamonds on the Long Island Sound,

and in the deep hues of orange and yellow in an evening sunset. 

Lola is in every fiber of my and Lexy’s being, in our memories, and in the pawprint she left on our souls. She lives in the hearts of the thousands of people she has touched, the animals she has helped, and every person who has entered my home and was on the receiving end of her never-ending kisses.

Lola is everywhere.

My soul is forever tethered to hers by an indestructible cord and our bond transcends time, space, and dimension. It will never be broken – it can’t be. I know this because she visits me, gives me signs, continues to flood my mind with writing ideas, and guides my life in new directions. All from beyond.

"Remember, that this will pass, and with time, you will form a new routine and new chapters of your lives will open."  Cesar Millan

Unfortunately, this doesn’t stop grief and the unbearable feeling of missing her from rearing their ugly heads. Sometimes, as I start to cry, my body is riddled with a bone-deep cold that makes me shiver from way down inside my core. As I try to shake this by taking a deep breath and focusing on my breathing, I’m enveloped by a sense of warmth. A recognizable warmth with a familiarity that is palpable. It’s as cozy as my favorite sweatshirt that I don on a chilly night and as comforting as that first sip taken from my morning mug of steaming hot coffee. It makes me feel safe and surrounded by love. As I take another deep breath, I realize why the feeling is so familiar.

The warmth is Lola. She is always with me, and I can feel her deep within my heart.

And I'm sure Lexy can, too. 

Dawn

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