A Year Without Lola

Today marks one year since Lola left this earthly plane and made her transition. Grief has an interesting effect on time. This year has passed at lightning speed and dragged at a snail’s pace simultaneously. Grief also has an interesting effect on memory. Her last day with me is as vivid as if it happened today, but at the same time, I feel like I struggle to recount the details of our last moments together.

Today, many questions run through my mind. Should the day be solemn, or one of happiness as I recall our life together? What should I tell Lola today? What would she want to hear?

Should I tell Lola that my grief journey has been a combination of peaks and valleys? The path to healing has been an interesting sojourn. As I traverse this road I often find myself easily navigating a straight path. Then, out of nowhere, I approach a fork in the road. The way I choose sometimes brings me to a steep hill, but I trudge my way up because I see the sun shining at the top. But when I reach the summit, the mountain is suddenly shrouded in clouds and deeply descends, and I find myself quickly slipping down. But at the bottom, the path is bright again and easy to navigate.

Should I tell Lola that there has rarely been a day when I don’t shed a tear for her (and Lexy?) Or a day when I don’t speak to her and ask her for guidance?

I am lucky because I have had many visits from my precious girl. I have also connected with her and can feel her presence and love. During her visits, she continues to have the vivacious personality she always had and is still happy-go-lucky. This always makes me smile.

But what would Lola want to hear? I'm sure she wants to hear that I enjoy life and savor every minute. And I do. I would happily tell her I am back on my health journey and starting to feel better every day.

Lola would also like to know that I see a lot of her in Ferguson and that she chose the best cat for me to share the next chapter of my life with. He is chatty and is my shadow – just like she was. I’m sure she’s ecstatic that he’s keeping her beloved squishy pillow warm, 

and is enjoying sun puddle naps in the castle in front of our picture window, just like she did.

Lola would be happy to know that my heart is full of new love and looks forward to being filled with additional memories. I say additional memories instead of new ones because the memories she and I shared will remain there forever.

I want Lola to know that I have big plans for myself – but she already knows this because she continues to fill my thoughts with incredible ideas and guides my life in positive directions. I hope to start on those plans as soon as some circumstances in my life settle a bit.

I also want Lola to know that my love for her will never wane, no matter how many years she is not with me. It will continue to grow, like a waxing gibbous moon as it appears brighter in the night sky and inches towards being shining and full. Lola, my heart will forever be bright and full of your love.

I have decided that today will not be solemn but will focus on happiness. Lola would want to know that her memories bring me more joy than sadness and that I cherish each second we spent together. Those memories are unique and priceless treasures.

My focus today will also be on gratitude. I will be eternally grateful that I was blessed to have this extraordinary little soul in my life. I’m thankful for the lessons she taught me, the unconditional love we shared for one another, the unbreakable bond we shared, and the laughter and smiles she brought to me every day. I will be joyful today because my life was happier from the moment I met her.

Today is also Lola’s gotcha day, and we would have been celebrating 14 years together. How “Lola” was it that she chose to leave Lexy and me on her gotcha day? In honor of my beautiful girl, I will continue our tradition of doing a fundraiser for her special day, just as I promised her I would. For every comment left on this post and the post on our Facebook page, I will donate $1 to Tabby’s Place. Tabby’s has always held a special place in my heart, and I have made good friends there. I have been sponsoring special needs cats for many years and will continue to do this. 

Thank you for being a part of today. Please remember that those who have left us are never really far. They are only a thought away and can still make us smile. 

Lola, my love, thank you. Thank you for everything. 

Dawn

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